Jasper came home today =)

Spent from 12pm to 9pm at the stables hehe. He was really really scared at first (and paniced at the hay bag lol, he was like "what is this strange contraption hiding my food??"LOL), but he settled in really nicely. Its going to take me ages to realise I can ride him whenever I like.

My best friend, Kat, whom I havent seen since her horse died (3 years) came and we had a blast. She taught me how to get his head down for dressage, and helped me lunge him (Im not forceful enough with the whip haha). By the end he was coming in to me as soon as I dropped the whip, he was such a good boy.

Going back at 6am tomorrow morning to work him again, then hopefully putting him in the day yard, so hes not all cooped up in the stall (not to mention if he keeps pooping this much its gunna cost me a fortune in bedding!)

Well, Im off to bed. Gotta be up early XD

$100 later, I have horse gear =)

-Grooming kit
- Halter
- Matching lead rope
- Lunge line

need to save $300 and I'll have a saddle =)

Spent the day with Cherie =)

She invited me to Europe with her!! Next year, two weeks, London, Paris and Rome!! SO EXCITED!!!! 

Now I just have to save ...

Finally got the courage to ring up and book my lessons! 

10.15 next sunday!! 

So excited!! 

So the realist in my brain has kicked in. As much as I dream of having a career with animals, its most likely just not gunna happen. Especially horses.

For those on my friends list who ride / used to ride, how impossible is it to get a job with horses? I dont care if its full or part time, as long as it pays SOMETHING (but doesnt have to be much atm) and gets me into the industry. Ive heard the industry is really hard to get into, and since I havent been in the saddle from the day I could walk, I have a feeling I dont have much hope.

Thanks guys

xx

Christmas just came early!! 

The people I baby sit for were putting things out for spring cleaning, and I seriously just scored about 2 grand worth of horse stuff for free! 

I got:
- 3 saddles
- 3 horse rugs
- 4 briddels, bits included
- 2 halters
- 2 pairs of jodpurs
- 2 spare bits
- 4 lots of reins
- extra parts

YAYAYAYAY!!!

And I went to the book fair, and scored many many many good books for only $37! I basically cleaned out the horse section, plus some fantasy and some self help / motivational books (to help with my issue of low self esteem).

Good day =)

Off to work again =(

I hate working the holidays ... the days are so long. 7hrs face to face with kids, and 9hr days. Im so tired ... beyond the help of coffee.

Anyway. Not much else to post about, just checking in

xx

Today I went for a 2hr horse ride with my coaching friend, Liz. It was so amazing ... Id honestly forgotten how much I love horses. Im certainly doing horse riding lessons up there from now on, Im sick of thinking "oh, Id love to" and not doing it.

Only problem is, I have to choose between a gym membership, and horse riding. My heart says riding, for sure. But Id get so much more use out of a gym membership. However, I do like working out in private ... I tend to freak out going to the gym and seeing so many thinner / fitter people. And a freak out is NOT what I need right now.

Back to work on monday -.- Ah well ... spent the week off in bed haha. Im so lazy and socially retarded ... I'd honestly never EVER go out if I didnt have to. I was meant to go to the movies tonight, but Im so tired and sick I just couldnt. So its going to be a few glasses of red and an early night tonight, as long as mother doesnt have one of her freak outs again.

Plan of action for new career: do 6month animal studies course at TAFE locally. If I like it, I shall take the Horse Racing course, and then consider moving to QLD for Bach of Applied Science in Animal Studies and Equine Science. What do you all think? Sound good?

xx

Ok, so after last nights lovely little freak out and tantrum, Ive decided to start work on a new writing project. It will be about a girl suffering from an ed, and follow the basic line of my PIP (which was an  academic thesis I did on eating disorders which got me good marks besides what everyone else thought of it), but in story format.

I dont want this to be MY story. I want this to be everyones story. If anyone has anything to contribute, that would be great, but Im hopefully going to make it general enough to make everyone suffering from an ED / depression to feel accepted, and give them some hope. I figure that if Im going through this hell, I may as well make something good come out of it.

And who knows ... writing it out may even help me with recovery.

Thank you to all who offered support last night, I really needed it

xx

Im losing my mind. I feel like Im trapped, and I cant escape. WTF is going on? I havent even had anything to drink ... Im just pacing restlessly and I cant calm down.

Im so lonely.

Why wont anybody ever talk to me? No one needs me, no one wants me around. God forbid someone should ever love me! 

Im trying to fit into society, but when it keeps rejecting me so much, why bother? I should just go back to being the eating disordered fucked up one.

Goodbye.

So of course, the first day of my week off when it is not pissing down rain, Im stuck in bed very very sick.

Anyone who is on LJ atm, tell me: What are your fav movies? Since Im stuck in bed, I may as well watch movies, but I cant choose! 

Ta.

Hi guys,

Just a post to say Ive changed my userpic again.


xx

How long do you wait until you consider yourself in relapse?

Ive been in eating disorder mode (please dont take offense, but I swing from ED mode, to recovery, to perfectly normal, back to eating disordered) for two weeks now ... and its showing no signs of letting up.

Relapse?

Shes done it again ...

As the sun sinks slowly behind the mountain ranges, the demons of the night howl their victory, tearing through the town with ferocious speed. All that is left is to curl up in the safest hidy-hole and await the sun's heroic return, where the demons of the night will be fought back once more.

My brothers 17th tonight. Hes fucking drunk, as are all his friends.

There goes any hope of sleep for me.

I would do this year over again, yes. Made some dumb mistakes.

But I would also jump at the chance to do life over again, knowing where I went wrong, and fix it. It would be interesting to see if things still happened the way they had.

CAMPING!!! Camping is brilliant, you get to go bush walking, have camp fires and marshmellows, be with friends ... and just ESCAPE!

Off to plan my next camping trip XD

Its raining =( We were going to climb the mountain today ... I was so excited.

Poo.